The Parent Trap

I'm entering another touchy topic here, one that is culturally sensitive on top of being entirely subjective depending on which side you come from, if any. If you're a teacher in the states, you might know a little about helicopter parenting just from having to talk or apease parents back home. I've had my own share of name calling and rudeness from parents whose "little babies would never do anything wrong!" and whose little babies were, in actuality, horrible teenagers who did no work and constantly misbehaved. But in that case, if your a teacher at a public school, you maybe get one or two of these insulting adults who think they can be better at your job than you are.

This article is about the extreme:

Funny... yet also true.

Hogwan parents.

Yes. Bold, underlined and in a different size. If you are headed for Korea, have a job lined up at a Hogwan (private school) teaching English to youngsters, one of the biggest job hazzards you will find here are the moms and dads. Mostly moms.

What are you doing now, billy? How about now? Now?

I'll open with a story told to me by my boss, a Korean woman who stands very well in between western and korean cultures... enough to make assessments that are multi-sided. (Names are changed to protect the innocent.).

"Jessie, you will not believe this, but I will tell you. Joseph's mom... she was cooking late one night, it was probably 7:00 or 8:00 at night. And she realizes as she is cooking that the students in your class are suffering in their grades because Adam is disruptive. She realizes to herself that Adam needs to leave the school in order for the other students to learn. The school closed at 6. She calls Ms. Lee, the school director and tells her she needs to have a meeting at the school right away. Ms. Lee drives over to the school and has to calm Joseph's mom down so she won't take Joseph out of the school. At 8:00 at night. Can you believe it?"

Nope. I can't. But it's true. I've confirmed it. And had it followed up by a million other incedents following that.

It'sJune here in South Korea... and for some reason, iSponge suffers the season of either terrible drops in enrollment or awesome levels of new students. I'm not sure if its the weather or what but i'm sure about one thing. Parents here are NEVER HAPPY.

Okay, Timmy, can you say "The logic of the parent-child dynamic is synonymous with the fiction of disciplinary boundaries"? There's a good lad.

I'm not just complaining this time, or being over-dramatic, this I promise you. Feel free to google an article about it sometime if you don't believe me, but here it is from the mouth of a grumpy expat who sometimes just can't stand the abuse teachers and admin get from the parents of the children we teach.

The fact of the matter is this. Universities here are exceedingly competitive. Most Korean kids, Elementary to High School, go to school from sun up until well after sundown. Believe it or not, one of the number one causes of suicide here in Korea is overworking. The teens are pushed to their limit. The result of a highly intense educational system and the shotgun-style  forward push for westernization from this tiny country is an over abundance of English schools all over South Korea. Thats why the job market here is so hot, English teachers are needed fiercely. Great for us, not so much for the kids because the kids are... 4 years old in American age.

College bound!

Thats right. over half the kids I teach would be considered only 4 years old in America. They come and go to school for hours during the day... there is no nap-time, and if its a normal school (not a hogwan like iSponge) there is no playtime either.

So on to the parents.

I had an interesting situation yesterday where one of my husband's students, Sarah, had a mini break down. The students will be participating in a speech contest at the end of the month and the pressure is on. Sarah already has many anxiety issues and, being five, is exceedingly sensitive. She doesn't like to practice her speech in front of other people. Unfortunately, her mother showed up at the wrong time, and made her even more nervous. She refused to do her speech. Somewhere between refusing to do her speech and leaving the room (I wasn't there for the interval) she was guilted so badly by both my boss and her mom that she broke into tears, started hyperventilating and cried for a half hour. Then, She was brought back inside and told once more to do her speech while her mother watched. My boss told her in English that she was being a baby and that her mother was very dissapointed with her, then left. Curtis and I picked up the pieces, carried her upstairs, gave her some milk and held her for 45 minutes until she calmed down.

Folks, that's an honest to goodness picture of a distressed child who cried herself to sleep on my husband's shoulder.

Now, I'd like to say this wasn't typical, but situations like this happen more and more as the year progresses. I have a five year old student, Max, who speaks full English, but is so afraid of his mother, he won't speak English around her. Then, my co-teacher gets calls everyother day complaining that max's English is not improving. I am required now to take videos of Max reading and speaking English to send to his mother on a regular basis.

You know what? To make this faster, I'm just going to make a list of the crazy things I am required to do to apease parents.

1. Pose the students 3-4 times a week for pictures to make it look like they are doing something creative and challenging.

Main Complaints: Not enough pictures of students, not the right pose and  "My son's hair looks terrible in this picture!"

2. Phone speaking every other week where the parents sit and record their students as they speak to me on speaker phone.

Main Complaints: Conversation is not long enough, students won't speak (thats my fault of course, it has nothing to do with the fact that their mothers are at their backs recording them).

3. Constantly be on camera while teaching so that parents can come in and sit and watch me downstairs in the waiting area.

Main Complaints: Can't see the child on camera because he/she is at the wrong angle, Child is being helped too much by teacher, Child is not being helped enough by teacher (made by same parent as previous comment). Can't hear the chid (well, duh, there's no audio).

4. Perfectly check the students workbooks. By perfectly, I mean your marks have to be exactly what the parents want. This means Circles, Stars or Hearts only and in the exact right place, absolutely no checks, x's or question marks. All pages must be completed by the end of the week regardless of students understanding or the fact that they absolutely refused to do the work or sit in their chairs.

Main Complaints: Why is there a ________ written on my childs page? Why hasn't my child finished their work this week? My child refused to work? Well its your job to make them!

5. Open class: Where all of the moms sit in on my class and watch their kids. Its a performance, its rehearsed, its pressured an pushed down my throat and I am not ashamed to say that I had a full scale, full blown panic attack in front of my boss because of it.

Main Complaints: Just guess a complaint and it will be one. I dare you.

6. Record and Report ANY and EVERY bump, bruise, cut, hangnail, hit, scratch, kick, pen mark, or name call. This is a big one. The parents are in constant "frienemy" mode with the other students parents. If there is any fighting or slight in any way, often the moms with march right to the school and threaten to disenroll the child.

This is only six of the major hot points here. When something goes wrong, what follows are angry parents who tell the director, who blames the vice-director, who blames the teachers. The parents say jump, the administration says "How high? Can I get you a coffee while I'm at it? Back massage?" Then they turn around, glare, and say "Hey teachers... you aren't doing enough. Do more."

Subsequently, it makes it hard not to get frustrated with the kids because we are scared out of our brains that they are going to mess us up and we will get into hot water with our high strung bosses. I'm patient to no end, but when one of my autistic students, whose mother is in complete denial, won't (or can't) sit down, won't (or can't) do his work or won't (or can't) stop beating up other students and then his mother complains that we aren't doing his job, it feels like I might just explode with aggravation.

I'm noticing, in my reading, that even korean parents are accusing other korean parents of being too harsh or insensitive. There blooms what seems to be a new culure of parenting push that is eclipsing even the high stakes of private and public early schooling. Yes, parents are still pushing their children past their limits with school and recreational activities, but there seems to now be a more relaxed way about it with a few of the moms here at my school. This is encouraging to me just because I come from a country where the kids are given lots of R and R before, during and after schools if only to handle them better behaviorally.

Toddlers and Tiaras? Bitch Please.

This article is heavily biased. I get that. I can't expect cultures to be like mine, I can't repremand them or be accusitory based on my own opinions passed to me from the good ol' USA. We do things that piss off other countries all the time, we do things that may seem completely rediculous to them. Trust me, I'm not writing this to offend anyone or cause people to look badly on the parenting culture of Koreans. But I do have to put it out there as an expat pulled into the brave new world of teaching in a different country. Bear will me. I am but an American in South Korea. 

Here's the real thing that I can't help but mention. Parents work just as hard as their children... at least most do. So, when it comes time to Saturdays and Sundays with their little ones the family explodes with closeness.

Sometimes, it explodes in plaid!

While overbearing, mothers and fathers are in love with their children. They love them so much and want only the best for them.

Sometimes to the point of hemmohaging

Despite the view we expat teachers here have of the student/school dynamic, it is a fact of Korea, and one that will likely not change significantly. The best way to shy away from the heat is to stay out of the kitchen, so to speak. So if you are coming here anytime soon, ask yourself.... are you teacher enough for one of the worlds toughest educational systems?

If the answer is no, It't time to rethink your job options.